The dark cloud that’s been hanging over my head the past two years has finally dissipated into a thunderstorm, so I can talk about it (a little).
This morning, my only sibling started serving a maximum prison sentence. The details of who/what/when aren’t important to what I’m writing here. Besides that, the rumblings of a civil case are starting now that the criminal side of it has ended, so it’s better to just not get into it too specifically.
My family and I have gone through every extreme emotion over the course of this ordeal. For me as the older brother, my primary emotions are guilt and failure. By no means do I have a bad or non-existent relationship with my sister, but it clearly wasn’t good enough to prevent this reality that we have to accept now. My friends who know what I’ve been dealing with have been calling and texting all day. I’m blessed to have them, but at this particular moment it’s only amplifying my own guilt and reminding me that my relationship with my own blood wasn’t strong enough to have this type of connection.
As I’ve had more than a year at this point to write this specific post, I thought about larger issues I could address that came to mind as all this was happening. How once the System has you, you’re just a number and completely at their mercy. Black folks and our love for thug/gun culture. The collective lack of self-esteem in way too many black women, and the predators who make a career taking advantage of that lack of self-worth. The state of Kansas and its newly ‘relaxed’ domestic violence laws.
Maybe I’ll address all or none of those topics down the line. One of the last things I promised my sister was I would make an effort to be more transparent, which is either going to make me or destroy me with the direction my own life is going.
Right now though, to start this honesty phase, I’m still dealing with my own emotions. I can ‘move on’ enough to start thinking about a necessary vacation, but I’ll pick this back up some other time.
Go and tell someone you love them. Have a good weekend.
malikaziz.com 
Hey cuz, man I feel your pain along with the rest of the family…and I can Identify with you as being the older sibling having to deal with the anguish of a younger sibling in particular a sister. As you may already know by now that me and sis had issues that as of recent just got resolved and everything is cool now, but there is this guilt trip that I had been carrying for a long time. Even though she is grown, there is things that I have done in the past that has affected her up to this day and I feel responsible for…drug addiction. God has since given me the power to kick that addiction along with my sis giving it up too!! So to make a long story short, keep your head up and stay on track with the pursuit of what God has for you, I’m sure that is what she wants for you and even though she is dealing with this ordeal, I believe she will come out winning in the end!! We all love and miss you!! Duci
Thanks cuz. I just saw my sis and your sis last weekend, that’s part of why all of this is so jarring. And you’re right, she and others have told me not to let this overtake me. We need to catch up my next trip down South.