I find myself going through withdrawal. There’s a physical aspect of course, getting ready for Ramadan and all. I’ve already started dropping weight just by skipping snacks and scaling down on my lunches. There’s also a withdrawal of a deeper level going on. It’s a weird feeling when you don’t love something as passionately as you used to. Why does it happen? What changed? Sometimes the decision is made ‘for you’, and you have to accept it and move on. And you haven’t lived until you’ve played yourself trying to hold onto something that’s over. Sometimes though, it does fall on you. Is there really a good way to break up? I’ve never been the type to have a problem riding solo; I don’t think I’ve ever been in an unhappy relationship long term. I can’t see being trapped in an unhappy marriage for the same reason. Life’s too short.
I drop all that verbal foreplay to say I’m coming to an end of a long standing relationship in my life. I still have love for her, but I’m no longer in love with her. The two things aren’t remotely the same; don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. The hardest part of ending any relationship really is the Balancing Act. The Balancing Act of acknowledging I have failed in some way as a man, while at the same time recognizing God has a Plan, and accepting that what’s really meant for me is still to come. In spite of my racial and religious background, I’ve never been one to have a ‘victim’ mentality. I’m very much Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein from Casino. (And Lord knows I keep running into Gingers, women who I’m convinced I can get to see things my way. That’s another blog altogether.) Pride is my deadly Sin; to this point I’ve been able to plot, work, or luck my way out of every major obstacle life has presented me.
Earlier today, I was treated to a Hall of Fame rant from one of my friends. Someone from his past was trying to make a cameo appearance; I’ve been there. His rant was so good, I got pissed off at the girl who did me dirty! I heard this in film school but it completely applies to real life: people are pretty good about remembering who did right by them, 50/50 if you crossed paths but had no effect; and NEVER forget if you did them dirty. I’ve had a few friends who got engaged a few months after dating their future spouses. There was a woman in my life who had that effect. I heard my karma say, “This is it!” But BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! So I’ve always understood ‘the spark’ (which is very important), but I also know when the honeymoon is ends, sometimes it really ends.
So it’s been funny to recently get re-introduced to that ‘Hey Now!’ feeling. That’s not to say I’m on the verge of engagement, that’s not to say I’m not on the verge. Life is just…exciting. And interesting. And I look forward to what tomorrow brings.
That’s, that’s all for now.