In honor of the first anniversary of this blog, I’ve opted to write something personal.  Because I know she’s a frequent reader, I’m going to use this space today to speak directly to my ex-wife.  The rest of you (who I know enjoy learning more about my private side anyway), enjoy:

Dear XXXXXXXX,

How have you been?  It feels like we’ve talked around, but not to each other in a very long time.  I’ve had a long year, but I’m still here.  I think this is the first time in a long time where everything for me has been about business.  I’m setting the stage for the rest of my life, pun intended.  I figure you heard that through the grapevine.  Anyway, sitting here listening to the Godfather waltz made me think of you, of us.  No, I’m not going there, just hear me out…

It really seems like two lifetimes ago now I was courting you and trying to figure out how to get you to like me.  We were just kids really, you and I.  I don’t feel like I was ‘quiet’ back then; or rather, not quiet the way people who don’t know me perceive me to be.  I loved hearing you laugh; I’ve always loved hearing you laugh.  And you knew how to encourage my silliness.  For the brief period of time we were happily married, we had fun.  Well, let me not speak out of turn; I had fun.  There were the big ‘events’ of course, but when I think of you, I think of the little things: the way you pouted when I play fought with you, the way you pecked the base of my neck when I did something without you asking, the way you breathed when you slept.  Even when things started to go sour, it made me peaceful to watch you sleep.  It brought me home more than once.

In retrospect, I’m not amazed the love between us ended.  But knowing my personality (and yours), it seems tragic it ended so violently.  I can count on one hand the things I’ve wanted more than I wanted a divorce from you.  Even you would admit (I think) that we reached a point where I could do nothing right by you, and you could do nothing right by me.  My guys didn’t like you, your girls didn’t like me, and that was that.  We both wanted to explore the other options we had; I didn’t see you in my future anymore and vice-versa.  When we finally separated, all this tension just…released.  The freedom to get on with our damn lives.

The Lord works in mysterious ways of course.  In hindsight it seems our biggest mistake was getting married too young.  My feelings for you at the time were genuine, but we clearly weren’t partners.  As I’ve come to learn in the relationships I’ve had since, what was missing in our marriage was trust/respect.  We were together, but were we ever really friends?  When my friends and I have disagreements, we tend to talk about it, and at worst, agree to disagree.  When we fell apart, it exposed there was a basic bond we skipped past to get intimate.  I’m not blaming you; it’s a two way street.  I have learned that much; I imagine in your relationships you have to.

It strikes me as a little odd that our relationship is better now than it ever was when we were together.  Part of getting older I guess.  I’ve had more than one flame admit to being intimidated by you, which makes me laugh.  Everyone doesn’t age well, but you are as I imagined you would be: attractive, sophisticated, strong.  I’m not trying to relive our past, I’m just acknowledging what I found appealing about you in the first place.  Whatever you think of how I’ve moved on, you should recognize that when I cast Erica or Samra opposite me in my romantic flicks, I’m paying tribute to that.  All things considered, there’s still not that many mainstream artists that portray you as beautiful.  I’m part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I don’t hear from you much anymore, so I assume things are well?  My father still asks about you now and then.  I think he’d still like to see us work things out, but that ship has sailed.  It is nice to see you once in a while, to hear your voice, to know life has played out the way you wanted it to.  As bad as things were at our darkest point, I would have never imagined we would be civil again.  Such is life.  Anyway, be good.

M

(P.S., Not too long ago, I found the Alpha shirt you bought me back in the day.  Remember the time I tried to explain the Riddle of the Sphinx to you? (wink, wink))

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