I don’t assume anymore when I fall asleep that God is going to wake me up. That single train of thought is why I’ve shifted to making a more conscious effort into leaving all of my interactions with positive karma (or at worst, if I’m indifferent about you, I’ll just leave you to live your life in whatever way you see fit.) And before I get any concerned texts or phone calls, don’t worry, the doctor says I’m in perfect health.
What? OK, fine, fine…maybe not ‘perfect’ health…
I can see now that I’ve never lived a day of my life without love. Just my opinion, but I think you’re much less likely to be phony (or stay phony) in your personal relationships and in life when you know in your heart it’s not necessary. The challenge of love should be finding and figuring out the people who love you as you are, not being in a position of asking yourself ‘Am I worthy of being loved?’ (You are.)
I am relieved (and grateful) now to see that my allies realize I’m of no use to them or anyone else without the space to be my true self. I like that the Persian brother at the gas station says ‘Malik Aziz!’ when he sees me walk through the door. I like that I can share a ‘Fight Club’ style nod with the brother in the ‘I Can’t Breathe’ t-shirt. I’m appreciative that when people hear me compliment Emma Stone or Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman, that doesn’t mean I somehow think less of Kerry Washington or Jill Scott or Lupita Nyongo. On a more personal level, it seems that people have (finally) moved off the idea that I’m this Muslim with a church girl fetish, or I’m a #prettyblackactor who only socializes with white women. This is just my side of the story of course, but to me there’s not that much difference from my church girl exes, my white girl exes and the rest. Mutual attraction and mutual passions create this ‘thing’, and when the romantic chapter ends, more often than not it’s bad timing or professional ambition taking priority or something of the sort. And I’m not even making the ‘I wish my personal affairs were more complicated’ joke, because I one hundred and ten percent do not. At this point, I am all too content to be ‘boring’ privately, and get my ‘excitement’ doing the Hollywood, movie star stuff.
I can see now it was always going to be a longer road for me to reach my endgame, but I am grateful that I stuck to my guns and get to enjoy all the payoffs for the choices I’ve made in life. I welcome the next challenge. I welcome Tomorrow.
Onward and Upward.
See you on the other side.